Bleach: Assault on Los Noches
by Lord22
Summary: Ichigo, Uryu, and Chad have gone forth into the Heart of Darkness to rescue Orihime from the clutches of the evil Lord Aizen. Aizen is fully prepared to deal with a classic hero. This one... not so much.
1. Arrival

**Chapter One:**

The blackness of the precipice world pulled back before the three of them as they broke through the darkness and landed within Houco Mundo. They landed beyond the portal, ready for the battle of their lives.

They didn't find it.

"You know," said the black clad, orange haired Soul Reaper as he looked around at the tiled blue walls. "I kind of expected the land of and entire race of soul eating monstrosities to be… uh…"

"Less neat?" suggested his massive, dark skinned friend.

"Yeah Chad," said the Soul Reaper glancing down the long, unbroken hallways before them as he lowered his black cleaver. "That's it."

"Yes, it does seem strange that Aizen could construct all this, especially given the nature of those who serve him." said the third member of their group, a bespectacled boy with white clothing, even as he examined the surrounding walls. "Stranger still, why would he want to. I suppose that a certain degree of civilization was-

"Uryu, we can discuss the sociopolitical matters of soul eating monstrousities later." said the Soul Reaper beginning to walk down a hallways, even as the white clad boy whirled on him.

"Now!" he said "We can't just rush in here, Ichigo! I was merely making an observation about our surroundings that is extremely relevant to our situation!"

"Yeah, well here an observation about our surroundings." said Ichigo, bringing his cleaver up to his shoulder "Orihime isn't here. So let's go and look for her."

"Look, we should at least try to get an idea of where we are before- where are you going!" said Uryu as Chad started moving after Ichigo.

"Ichigo is right. We need to get moving." said Chad.

"Moving to where?! We don't know anything about this place!"

"And we won't find out anything unless we move forward." replied Ichigo as he glanced back. "Now could you hurry up. I'd like to get this over with soon."

Uryu opened his mouth to reply, before stopping. "Fine, whatever." He stated in resignation before moving after them, his white cape trailing behind him.

…...

In another place entirely, a bespectacled pink haired man observed the three intruders. "Interesting…" he murmured in a tenor voice. "It seems we have some uninvited guests." Behind him, a creature wearing a beaklike mask stood wreathed in shadow. It narrowed it's eyes as it gazed at the screen.

"Then I shall open a channel to Lord Aizen, Lord Szayel." he said gravely. "These intruders will not get far."

"I _suppose_ we could." said Szayel, turning his chair to face the creature. "But I feel like having a bit of fun, and we _have _just finished the trap system, after all."

"This is most irregular. Lord Aizen demanded reports on the state of this fortress, and any notable events and he shall-" And then Szayel stood and cut off it's head off with one swift stroke of his blade. Blood spattered everywhere.

"Such a terrible waste…" said Szayel glancing down at the carpet which had been bloodied. "Ah well, I suppose it was worth it. Lord Aizen has an unfortunate tendency to steal the scene. Let's keep this our little secret, shall we?" he asked the body, though he obviously didn't expect, or receive and answer.

"Excellent!" said Szayel, turned his chair back to the computer screen and clapping his hands. "Now if only I had some popcorn." he mused to himself as he turned on the TV and checked his control panel.

…...

Meanwhile in another, significantly larger dark room, a brown haired man and his greatest student were watching a significantly larger television with amusement on a large white couch couch.

"Facinating isn't it Lord Aizen" said a white haired, fox faced man with a smile most would find disturbing. "Do you think Szayel has any conception of just how outmatched he is?"

The brown haired man glance over at Gin in amusement. "Against Kurosaki and his friends? Or against us?"

"Either." replied Gin with a shrug.

"I see, then the answer is no on both counts."

It was at this point that the door to the chamber opened and dark skinned man entered, he wore white blinders, and carried a red and white box. "Lord Aizen, I have brought the popcorn as you requested of me."

"Excellent, thank you Kaname. Please sit down."

"I would also like to respectfully request permission to execute Grimmjoww Jaggerjack."

"Really Tosen?" said Gin in amusement as he looked over. "You make that request every time we're out of his presence. When are you going to stop making it?"

"Until I am given either authority to separate that wretches his head from his corpse, or asked." replied Kaname Tosen stiffly, producing a manuscript. "To that end have compiled a list of Espada's and their Fraccion who believe that executing Grimmjoww would be in our best interest."

"Maybe , Kaname." said Aizen "For now, sit down and let us enjoy the show."

"I am not exaggerating when I say that every almost every single one of them has signed it." pressed Tosen, trying to make his case again "The only ones who hasn't is Starrk."

"Sit down, Kaname." said Aizen once more, and Tosen sighed before obeying and opening the box.

…...

They had been walking for a few hours by Uryu's clock, and they had yet to see anything interesting. The hall moved on endlessly, with no breaks or branches, and they had quickly become disturbed by the lack of guards.

Occasionally they would run into a turn, or see what **looked** like a break, but invariably it would only go fifty feet or so before it ended and the had to return to the old way.

"So where do you think this place is Uryu?" asked Ichigo, trying to make conversation.

"Well, we don't have much to go on, but I think we're underground." Uryu replied.

"Oh yeah, what makes you say that."

"The lights." came Chad's deep voice and Ichigo looked over at him.

"What about the lights?" he said, glancing up at the dim blue gem like things which illuminated the hallway.

"None of them are natural." explained Uryu "We haven't seen any windows so far, despite walking for a very long way. So it stands to reason that we're underground."

"_My,"_ came a mocking voice from seemingly everywhere and no where. _"Aren't you an astute one."_ Instantly Ichigo drew his sword, and Uryu reached out with one hand, and summoned his bow. Behind them, Chad looked down the other end of the hallways, readying his fists.

"Who are you!" yelled Ichigo.

"_Who I am is not important."_ replied the voice. _"Well, actually it is. But you don't need to know who it is that is speaking to you. I really must thank you for so recklessly invading Houco Mundo, it will be quite fascinating to have some more research."_

"Oh no, not again." muttered Uryu under his breath, prompting a look from Ichigo.

"What, have you fought this guy before?"

"_Uh… are you listening."_ came the voice, only to be completely ignored.

"Not _this_ _guy_."said Uryu, before pausing. "Although I suppose it's conceivable that he might have been a double agent…" he looked up. "Excuse me, mysterious voice person. Is your name Mayuri Kuroschutchi."

"_Ah, you mean the head of research of development in Soul Society. I am not him, though confess a certain interest in his-"_

"No, I haven't fought this guy before." said Uryu, turning back to Ichigo. "But I did fight and almost kill the guy I just mentioned. From what I've heard so far, this guy seems to be cut from the same cloth. Which is rather disturbing all things considered, but I-"

"_Hey, I'm talking to you here!"_ said the voice, sounding angry. _"Will you-"_

Chad cut him off. "So what your saying is that this guys is a knock off of someone you fought in Souls Society."

"_Knock off!"_ shrieked the voice. _"I am not a knockoff of a SOUL REAPER! Now pay attention to me! I will not be ignored!"_

"Oh what are you going to do, whine us to death?" called Ichigo "Your not even in the same room as us."

"_Do not underestimate me fool!"_ the voice cried. _"You cannot possibly comprehend the-"_

"Blah, blah, blah, your superior intellect and power, blah, blah, blah!" said Ichigo "If you've got something to say, then say it. Otherwise just shut up."

"_You'"_

"Oh whatever!" replied the orange haired Soul Reaper. "I heard the same speech from two Captains of the Thirteen Court Guard Sqaud right before I kicked their asses! And I'm stronger than I was then, with two of my friends with me! So bring it on asshole!"

"Uh… Ichigo," said Uryu nervously "I think that maybe you should stop talking, before you get us all killed."

"Oh come on, Uryu! If this pansy ass effeminate bitch was really a threat, then why the hell is he _talking to us on a intercom! _He probably wears his hair long and pink, and wears ridiculous glasses._"_

There was a long moment of silence that seemed to stretch into eternity.

"Ichigo," began Uryu "If you had bothered to let me explain further about just who Mayuri was you may have realized that if this man is anything like him… well…"

"What?"

"It was nice knowing you."

"_Ha" _came the voice again, no longer sounding smug.

"Oh come on, what is he going to-" began Ichigo _"HahahaHAHAHAHA__**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_laughed the voice insanely _"So your wondering why I'm using an intercom, are you?"_ he asked, his voice varying in pitch seemingly at random. _"Your wondering how I can be a threat from some remote control room, aren't you, soul reaper?!" _A rumbling sound filled the air, sounding rather ominous._** "LET ME SHOW THE THREAT I POSE YOU MISERABLE WORM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_

"Run." said Chad, moments before the floor behind them began collapsing, As they moved through the hall, the light above starting alternating between flashing and dimming, creating a disorienting effect.

"_Run all you want!" _cried the voice, laughing insanely. _"It doesn't matter! Within this realm! This fortress! I am a GOD!"_

The sound of falling flagstones filled their ears for a few terrible moments, as they rushed through turn after turn. Soon enough, however they began to outpace the falling bricks, and the sound grew softer and softer behind them.

"_Those who mock me pay the price! Face the crushing wrath of my irritation! Hahahaha!"_

"Doesn't this guy ever _shut up._" said Ichigo as they ran.

"Well maybe you shouldn't have provoked him!" shot back Uryu, resisting the urge to blast Ichigo. The sudden appearance of a row of buzz saws in their path, moving back and forth at enormous speed helped with that.

"Uh oh." Uryu said.

The rumbling of a collapsing floor reached their ears.

"What do we do?" asked Ichigo "Try to leap over?"

"No. It's too far too jump." replied Uryu, forcing his mind into a state of calmness. He gazed over the spinning blades, his mind calculating their trajectory as they spun endlessly back and forth. "There is a specific timing we must use!" he said, taking charge of the situation.

"What? That's crazy." said Ichigo, sounding like he meant it.

"It's our only chance." replied Uryu, even as the rumbling grew ever louder. "Follow my moves exactly and-hey!" he say 'hey' because at that point Chad had moved forward and shoved him to one side before summoning a gauntlet to his fist and making a punching motion in the direction of the buzz saws.

A beam of pure white light shot forth, and burned right through them, obliterating them utterly, and leaving only melted machinery.

"Alright Chad!" said Ichigo, clapping his friend on the back.

"…My idea would have been better." muttered Uryu behind them, before Chad grabbed him, hoisted him over one shoulder and started running again.

"_None may dispute me you fool!"_ cried the man_ "And those that dare try __**burn!"**_

They turned the corner to find a huge line of flame jets coming down from the from the ceiling with ceasing. The rumbling sound came steadily nearer and nearer.

"_Oh what's wrong?" _said the voice in a mocking tone. _"Are you afraid of being roasted alive? Or of falling into a an endless abyss, populated by creatures beyond your darkest nightmares?"_

"Ichigo," began Uryu, pulling himself off of Chad. "I know I've said things to this effect many times in the past, but I want you to know formally from me **that you're an idiot!"**

"Oh come on, it's not over yet." said Ichigo defensively. "We'll just wait for the flames to stop and run past."

"_Yeah, that's not happening."_ said the voice, calmer but still with the edge of insanity. _"There is enough fuel in these walls to last a lot longer than you will out here, and I've decided that killing you is a higher priority than relieving my boredom for a few hours. Priorities, you know."_

"Slight problem with that theory." said Ichigo readying his cleaver and channeling power around it. "Fuel explodes." Everyone stared at him uncomprehending. "And you've obviously got some kind of set up in these walls…"

"…_What?"_ came the voice, in slow realization of who he was dealing with.

"So all I have to is set it off!"

"What?" said Uryu "That's a terrible plan!"

"_He's right!" _yelled the voice in horror. _"That fuel sources runs through half the castle! The resulting explosion could knock out the entire trap system."_

"Works for me." said Ichigo summoning blue light to his sword. "Getsuga…"

"_Stop you fool!"_ cried the voice desperate_ "The subsequent chain reaction could shatter the entire building! For the love of all that is science don't do-"_

"TENSHO!" finished Ichigo before anyone could stop him, sending a wave of black flame into the wall, which reached into the fuel tanks beyond and-

…...

The explosion did not reach above the ground, but the shock resulting from it could be felt for miles.

…...

**Authors Note:**

Welcome one and all to the beginning of my new fanfic. Assault on Los Noches. It's more or less going to be an alternate continuity diverging from when they first enter Houco Mundo, though there might be some retcons dealt for the purposes of the story.

You may have noticed that this beginning had many humorous elements to it, as well as plot. This is intentional. Part of Bleach's charm was it's tendency for madness induced humor, and it only got really bad when the humor left it.

And don't worry, Ichigo, Uryu and Chad won't get killed off that easily.

At this point I am unsure where I will go with this, but it will probably get more serious as it goes on.

Hope you enjoy.


	2. Aftermath

**Chapter Two:**

The explosion could be heard for miles.

Szayel Apporo Granz was right above it, and was thrown from his chair as the room around him shook violently. He pulled himself up as the shaking died down, and rushed over to the monitor to see how bad the damage was.

"...Oh damn." he said as he saw that the explosion had wiped out every trap on the lower level, and severely damaged the floor plan above and below. Pretty much everywhere on the original had been hit except-

"Are you jesting with me!" he screamed as he saw that all three of his enemies life forces were at full strength. "They were at the center of the blast! How the hell could they have survived, let alone escaped unscathed!"

...

"So where did you pick up that ability?" asked Ichigo curiously as he looked at the large blue shield covering the entryways for the flame throwers.

"On the way here." replied Uyru, prompting a curious look from Ichigo. "We had to go through the void between Houco Mundo and the world of the living, remember? We had to create a pathway out of our spirit energy. I merely adapted that technique to create a physical object to block of the streams."

"Wow," said Ichigo with a smirk "With the way you and that voice were freaking out I thought that there would be some kind of massive explosion. But all it did was mess the floor up a bit." He glanced down the hall, where many of the tiles had been knocked free, and broken from the tremor.

"Oh shut up!" said Uryu in annoyance "Your incredibly lucky that I had enough power to seal off these exits. If I hadn't we'd all be dead because of you."

"Yes," replied the Soul Reaper before turning and beginning to walk off "But we're not, my plan worked perfects, and my faith in your abilities was not misplaced. Good job team."

"Uh... Ichigo," said Chad nervously "I've known you since we were thirteen. You didn't plan this. At all."

"Sure I did." said Ichigo, glancing back. "My 'plan' was to wing it and hope everything turned out okay. It did. Just as planned. Now lets go kill some Espada."

"What? You mean rescue Orihime, right!" said Uryu in an accusing tone as he moved to walk alongside Ichigo.

"Of course I did." replied Ichigo, nonchalantly twirling his cleaver and almost hitting Uryu with it "But we'll probably have to fight at least a few Espada to rescue her."

"...Right." said Uryu from behind, his tone laced with an element of doubt as he slowed his pace. "Well I hate to break it to you Ichigo, but our best bet is to **avoid** unnecassary confrontations. Besides, there are **ten** Espada, doubtless with their own duties to attend to. What is the likelyhood we'll run into more than one of them if we're careful."

...

"Pretty good, actually." said Aizen, before turning off the tv linked to his explosion proof hidden cameras and turning back to more important matters.

"Lord Aizen," said Tosen from across the table. "I know that this is important to you, but perhaps we should concentrate on deflecting Ichigo Kurosaki's invasion into our territory."

"Ha!" laughed Gin "Your just upset because we're not playing Pathfinder."

"Oh yes Gin, you caught me" admitted Tosen sarcastically "My desire to actaully have a plan for dealing with our enemies is entirely motivated by my personal hatred for the vanilla D&D 4rd edition rules. Truly my shame is unimaginable."

"I'm glad you were able to admit you were wrong." said Aizen, smiling benevolently from behind his GM screen.

"I really wasn't-"

"I said I'm glad you admit you were wrong." said Aizen, and Tosen sighed.

"Yes Lord Aizen." he said, keeping the irritation out of his voice. "So the centaur golem is fifty feet away, right?"

"Yes." said Aizen, placing a few miniatures on the board. "What do you do."

Tosen considered the matter for a moment. "I charge it and initiate a grapple check to jump onto it's back so I can stab it in the neck."

"Yeah... you can't do that." said Aizen.

"What? What do you mean I can't do that? This is a tabletop roleplaying game! The entire flipping point is that you can do anything you want as long as your character would be able to do it!"

"Actually Tosen's got a point." said Gin "Remember that time I wanted my characters to become a Lich, and you told me that Liches are now generic monsters with set stats, rather than templates which anyone with the appropriate abilities can become if they so choose."

"Please Gin, don't blame me for the failings in the rules of this game." said Aizen defensively "The handbooks only gives me rules for using the standard abilities assigned to whatever class you choose."

"Hmmm," said Gin thoughfully "Well then maybe I'll multiclass my rogue with wizard. That should-"

"Actually you can't do that either." said Tosen in disgust "Multiclassing no longer exists in this edition. Though I am certain they will release a 'supplement' which you can buy for an outrageous price."

"Well to hell with this thing then." said Gin before nonchalantly tossing the players handbook out a nearby window before anyone could react.

There was a long pause, before Aizen turned to regard the silver haired haired man, whose smile had dimmed slightly. A sudden knock on the door interrupting whatever the Lord of Houco Mundo was about to say.

Aizen glanced to the door. "Come in." he stated and after a moment a pale skinned, dark haired man with green eyes walked in through the doorway. He carried a folder under one white sleeved arm, and had his other hand rested absently on a sword in his undergrip.

"Ah, Ulquiorra." said Aizen, adopting a benevolent tone. "What can I do for you."

"I am here with 3rd Espada Halibels report on the casualties recently sustained in the explosion in the Northern fortress." he paused. "Shall I give them to you, or just deposit them in the incinerator and tell her that I did?"

Aizen considered this. "Did we lose anyone important?"

"A few numerose, and all of Szayels Fraccion." replied Ulquiorra tonelessly. "So no, I do not believe so."

"Incinerator then." said Aizen dismissively grabbing the folder from Ulquiorra and opening what appeared to be a dresser, before tossing it in closing it and turning back to his subordinate. Said subordinate remained utterly unfazed by the low _foosh_ which followed.

"Now," said Aizen pleasantly "Is there anything else?"

"There is one other thing Lord Aizen." said Ulquiorra, his expression stoic and unblinking. "It is in regards to Orihime Inoue."

"What about her?" asked Gin a cheeky smile on his face. "Your feeling concerned for her. That's funny, I never figured you'd be the type to woo woman. Well at least you know where to find-" He stopped talking as Ulquiorra just gave him the _look_.

It was one which had become greatly feared amongst those who dwelled within Los Noches. His face did not change, per se, but rather one got the impression just by being near him that your life expectancy had just dropped significantly.

"I was not speaking to you, Ichimaru." the pale faced man replied, turning to regard the white haired ex-captain with as close to dislike as the man usually got. "And my concern is entirely practical in nature."

"Well perhaps you had best elaborate, Ulquiorra." said Aizen, and the Ulquiorra turned back to him.

"As you wish, Lord Aizen." he said "Orihime Inoue has demonstrated a certain unwillingness to resort to violence that will not serve her well within Houco Mundo. It is my belief that we should assign her a guard, to ensure that she comes to no harm. There are those amongst the Espada who care little for humans, and may take rash action which could interfere with your plans for her."

"Grimmjow?" deadpanned Tosen, from behind Aizen.

"Grimmjow," replied Ulquiorra in affirmation. "However Nnoitora and Aureniero are also a concern."

"I'm surprised you did not add Yammy to that list." observed Tosen.

"Yammy is a violent fool, but he is easily controlled." replied the pale Arrancar "Those I mentioned have both the incentive to become a threat to her safety, and are mad enough to consider the attempt."

"It is a fair assessment." admitted Tosen "However it is one which could be solved just as easily if you would allow me to execute Grimmjow and-"

"No, Kaname." said Aizen in a tranquil tone. "We'll go with Ulquiorra's idea. The only question is who to assign on the job?"

"Why not Barragan then?" suggested Gin, prompting an annoyed look from everyone in the room. "What? Annoying him is fun?"

"...Your an idiot." said Tosen as he looked across the table bluntly. "Whoever was assigned would undoubtedly have to be loyal, and capable of defeating those who I mentioned."

"If I may make a recomendation." said Ulquiorra "I believe that Halibel would make for an excellent choice."

"Hmmm," said Aizen "Halibel would likely be able to do it, true. But I am concerned about her ability to remain pragmatic in this matter."

"So be it." stated the 4th Espada paused to consider this. "There is a rather significant drop in power after Espada number six." he mused "None of them would be able to fill the role."

"On that we are in agreement." stated Tosen, his voice grim "And I think we may dismiss Grimmjoww from our minds. He cannot be relied upon in any form."

"Oh, I don't know about that." said Gin cheerily "I'm sure he can be relied upon to betray us at the first opportunity."

"I know, the ease with which he can be manipulated is exactly the reason I've let him live this long." stated Aizen with a shrug. "Nnoitora is..."

They all thought of what they knew of Nnoitora.

"No." said Aizen.

"No." agreed Ulquiorra.

"What about Starrk?" asked Gin "He hasn't got much to do, and he's fairly personable."

"Out of the question." stated Aizen firmly "While Starrk might be able to gain her, having him in constant contact with her would be unhealthy. His cannot be fully controlled, even by him."

"...So I suppose that leaves Ulquiorra then." mused Tosen, his voice irritated.

"Something wrong, Kaname?" asked Aizen.

"Nothing specific." said the dark skinned ex captain. "It's just it seems as though Ulquiorra ends up getting all of these missions."

"That is an accurate assessment." the 4th Espada stated blandly. "I believe that it is because of my mental stability, combined with my pragmatic approach to missions."

"Very well then Ulquiorra." said Aizen "You will take up this task. Ensure that no harm comes to her, and I will see you rewarded for your efforts."

"As you wish, Lord Aizen." the 4th Espada bowed his head "If there is nothing else, I shall make preperations."

"No." replied the Lord of Houco Mundo "You may go."

Without another word Ulquiorra turned and left, his white coat trailing behind him. They watched him go for a moment, before Tosen whispered to Gin.

"What would a man such as Ulquiorra want, anyway?"

"Well if I had to guess I would say that he'd want the chance to kill Grimmjoww." replied Gin casually.

"...I suppose it is a concievable possibility." admitted Tosen "It would explain why Lord Aizen won't let me kill him. But Ulquiorra does not seem the type to hold personal hatreds."

"He isn't." replied Gin with a shrug "But Ulquiorra does get annoyed with people, and his irritation is something which most people are smart enough to avoid. Grimmjoww isn't most people, and he thinks Ulquiorra is afraid of him."

"Overconfident fool." muttered Tosen to himself.

"Tell me about it."

...

**Authors Note:**

Well here we are with Chapter two. This one was fun to write, particularly the scenes with Aizen, Gin, and Tosen. Some of you may have noticed that Aizen is acting a bit differantly from his canon counterpart. This is deliberate.

Aizen in the main Bleach storyline is a faux affably evil sociopath, whose past is shrouded in mystery, who possesses incredible power, no notable weaknesses, and absurdly overpowered special abilities. He cares for no one except himself and never loses control of the situation until the last three chapters, and even that requires a three blatant deus ex machinas.

In other words watching Aizen is about as interesting as watching paint dry. He's a completely inhuman character, with no explanation for how he got like that. He basically serves as a wall for the better characters to play off of. To the point where everything we know about him can be summed up by one sentence.

He wants to become god, and likes tea.

That's it, really, though I'll admit that it still has him kicking the crap out of the entire Vandenreich faction in terms of personality. So I've decided to boil his character down to the basics, and just work from there.

Also, I will be switching up power levels a bit.

Also, you may have noticed that no one in this fanfic seems to like Grimmjoww. This is because Grimmjoww is a psychotic, antisocial jerkass who cares nothing for his subordinates, hates anyone who has greater power than him, and considers thinking things through to be a weakness.

Forget about Tosen, a personality like that should have logically made him the most hated person in the Espada, even **without** his blatant disregard for orders.


	3. Story Time

**Chapter Three:**

"That outfit unexpectedly suits you." came a cool voice behind her moments after she had finished pulling on the white cloths she had been supplied with. "EEK!" she shrieked in surprise as she whirled around to see her kidnapper standing impassively at the door.

"When did you come in?!" She asked, pushing her auburn hair out of her face.

"Just this moment." Ulquiorra stated impassively "Stop fussing over these things. It's annoying."

There was a pause in which neither said anything. Ulquiorra glanced up and down her form with calculating green eyes, and she felt rather awkward under his gaze. "So..." said Orihime in a questioning voice.

"Your outfit requires tailoring." he said after a moment.

She blinked. "Eh?"

"Your outfit. While it seems that the judgements I made regarding your size were mostly correct, it is clear I miscalculated in the area of your chest."

Orihime glanced down with a blush. "Huh," she stated in surprise. "It doesn't feel any differant from what I usually wear?"

There was a pause in which Ulquiorra and Orihime just looked one another. "Either way." said the Pale Faced Espada after a moment "I have being given the responsibility of ensuring your health, and safety by Lord Aizen. To this end I will be constructing appropriate facilities within this room so that I will be able to monitor the situation from here."

"Wait, what situation?" asked Orihime in surprise.

"Your friends assault upon Los Noches, or more specifically the Northern Fortress that they have infiltrated." he replied tonelessly. "Though it is unlikely they will get this far."

"What!" she cried in surprise "Why didn't you tell me that before!?"

"I did not think it was important." he replied, before glancing back. "Bring it in."

The door opened, and a large cart, filled with boxes arrived by a massive tan skinned man. "Oi, Ulquiorra." he complained "Why do I always have to push these things?"

"Because moving heavy objects is your primary duty, besides combat, Yammy." stated Ulquiorra bluntly, before glancing over to Orihime who was looking strangely at Yammy.

"Hey... I remember you!" she cried despite herself "Your that Espada who Chad..." She trailed off as memories struck her.

...

_It was like a nightmare. The two Arrancar were incredibly powerful, and between them Orihime had never felt so much spiritual pressure in one place. She couldn't understand how Chad could stand up in front of them, but she knew he was outmatched._

_ "Orihime heal Tatsuki and get out of here." Said Chad in a low voice as the one called Yammy approached him nonchalantly._

_ "What, you think that you can take me, you miserable human!?" said Yammy scornfully "What bullshit! " He raised his fist and Chad prepared to meet his attack._

_ Orihime set to work healing Tatsuki with her faries, but she could not help but fear for Chad. She had seen his face, he had known that he couldn't possibly win. He was just trying to buy time for her and Tatsuki to esc..._

_ Chad blocked Yammy's strike with his unarmored fist, before smashing his gauntlet into the Arrancar's, sending him back, clutching his stomach in pain._

_ "You shouldn't make assumptions about people based on their race." said Chad with as close to a glower at he could get. "It's not polite." With those words he attacked Yammy again with a blow that knocked him back into a tree, and the huge Arrancar fell to the ground._

_ Chad landed on his chest hard._

_ "How..." began Yammy in pain "How are you so powerful...?_

_ Chad stood triumphantly "Because I fight with the power of friendship!"_

...

"Bullcrap!" yelled Yammy "Also, friendship doesn't kill people. Fists kill people. Friendship just makes it easier to stab the people you have it with in the back!"

"Also, I don't recall the human saying anything of the sort." mused Ulquiorra

"Creative license silly," said Orihime with a shrug. "I'm trying to tell a story here."

...

_ "It's amazing what Chad did." she said after a moment of silence. "Even though that guy was so much larger and more powerful than him, he-"_

_ She was cut off as Chad suddenly was knocked out by a single karate chop to the head from Ulquiorra as he flash stepped behind him, before turning to face her as he approaching Orihime, who stood transfixed by his piercing green gaze._

_ "Do not concern yourself with friendship, woman." Ulquiorra said in a deep voice as he approached her, drawing his blade. "It cannot help you."_

_ "Leave Tatsuki alone!" said Orihime angrily. "I won't let you hurt her!" But even as she spoke a hand grasped her shoulder and Ulquiorra leaned in closely, making her tremble at the intensity of his gaze._

_ "You are in no position to deny me anything." was Ulquiorra's response, and his gaze became predatory, hungry even. "But you need not concern yourself. I am not here for the on called Tatsuki. I'm here for you."_

_..._

"I said no such thing." Ulquiorra said, cutting her off mid sentence. "And my kidnapping of you happenened later on."

"Yeah!" said Yammy. "And I was beating the hell out of that human before he got a lucky shot in!"

"I know that you didn't kidnap me then, silly." explained Orihime "I just needed to make things seem dramatic for when we get to Ichigo's heroic rescue of the Princess from the dark misunderstood knight who secretly just wants to be loved."

Ulquiorra just stared at her for a moment. "...You are an idiot." he said after a moment. "What actually happened was this..."

...

_Ulquiorra observed the ensuing battle between Yammy and the human with calculating eyes. They seemed equally matched, though the human seemed to have gained a slight advantage thanks to his composure._

_ "You miserable worm!" yelled Yammy in an uncontrolled rage as he started smashing at the humans defenses, driving him back for a few moments before the human spotted a gap in his defenses and gave him a vicious uppercut to the chin which sent him flying backwards into a tree._

_ Realizing that his direct intervention would be necassary, Ulquiorra rushed behind the human and stabbed him in the back methodically._

_ "No! Chad!" screamed the woman in a voice which he felt absolutely nothing for. He then moved forward and readied his sword, wondering whether or not he should kill her, or take her hostage._

_ Doubtless killing her would deny the Soul Reapers a valuable source of healing, but if he took her hostage he might be able to use her as bait for his target. Either way she meant nothing to him in any way shape or form, and while she might be considered beautiful by human standards that would not effect his judgment in the slightest._

_ He decided that he would kill her, assuming that there was not some kind of sudden interruption which would neccesitate a change of plans, or sudden distraction. A cold wind blew through her auburn hair, sending it flying into the wind as she stepped away in fear, doubtless looking for some way to escape her imminent death._

_ If she did survive this, she would probably end up completely delusional-_

...

"Ulquiorra your spending too much time on unimportant details." said Orihime reproachfully "If your going to tell a story you have to focus on the important parts. Once you say something you shouldn't repeat it." She paused and looked up, pinching her chin thoughfully. "Unless of course your trying to establish that someone is focusing on one aspect of the scene repeatedly."

There was a pause in which they looked at one another in silence.

"...Can I try telling the rest?" asked Yammy after moment.

"Sure!" said Orihime.

"No." said Ulquiorra, but Yammy had already started talking.

"Alright, so there I was facing off against this human..."

...

_With a single blow from his fist Yammy smashed the miserable human in half, killing him instantly and smashing off his arm, while Ulquiorra moved over the chick with the orange hair, who had just finished healing her loser of a friend, and both of them were instantly overcome with lust for Ulquiorra and-_

... "No they weren't." said Ulquiorra.

"Yeah..." said Orihime "Tatsuki was unconscious, and I was terrifed at the time. Also Chad isn't dead."

"Artistic license bitch." said Yammy with a broad smile, causing Orihime to grumble, but fall silence. "Now where was I?"

"I believe you were getting to the part where Ichigo Kurosaki showed up." said Ulquiorra quickly.

"Oh right, thanks."

...

_ Then suddenly an Orange haired freak dressed like a soul reaper showed up, and started waving around a giant black sword thingy. "I'm going to beat you up Yammy!" he yelled, but Yammy didn't bother answering._

_ Instead Yammy looked over at Ulquiorra. "Hey Ulquiorra, you wanna handle this guy, or should I?"_

_"Certainly,"_ _said Ulquiorra, momentarily turning away from where the two woman had started to poledance "This miserable cretin could never truly hope to comprehend the sheer raw power and sexual attraction which we possess between the two of us." _

...

"Now hang on a sec!" said Orihime raising a hand. "Artistic license is one thing, but that's just out of character. Tatsuki and I would never do something like that!" She paused "Also where would we find the poles in the first place?"

"Shut up." said Yammy giving her a look "Your just a fanservice character, the only reason your in this story is to be the chick who the main character bangs at the end."He looked over to where Ulquiorra was sitting, only to find that the fourth Espada was currently walking over to a wall.

"Ulquiorra, you okay."

"...Give me a moment." said Ulquiorra, before smashing his head against the wall three times hard, leaving a large dent in the stonework. He hissed in pain and clutched his head as he moved back over. "Alright then, the pain should distract me from any murderous thought I might have in the next few minutes."

...

_So the Orange haired freak charges Ulquiorra and says "I'm going to kick your ass, cause your evil!" But Ulquiorra just dodged his attacks and pulled out a double barrelled shotgun and shot him in the face fifteen times._

_ "Good, evil."_ _said Ulquiorra, spinning the gun round as the body fell to the ground with a thump. "I am the indiviual with the gun."_

...

"Double barrelled shotguns only carry two shots." said Ulquiorra "And I sincerely doubt they would prove effective against a Captain level shinigami. Also, you weren't concious for any of the events you are describing."

"Army of Darkness for the win!" cheered Orihime, before thinking abotu what had just been said. "Although the the person with the shotgun is supposed to be _fighting _the soul eating monstrousity."

"Actually Arrancar don't have to eats souls." Ulquiorra informed him "We can survive on normal food alone. Now can we speak of the _real_ events-"

"But I wasn't done." said Yammy.

...

_Then suddenly a purple haired lady in an orange and black outfit showed up and attacked Yammy head on, but every attack she made was deflected with ease._

_ Then suddenly Ulquiorra fired his shotgun into the air, and she turned to him ready for a fight. "Greetings she-bitch." said the Pale Faced Espada "Let us go."_

_ And she rushed towards him trying to attack him, but Ulquiorra turned around, put his shotgun over one shoulder, and head shotted her from fifty feet away, before reloading the gun._

_ "Now let's talk about getting us back to Los Noches." he said to the assembled group of cowering humans._

...

"That's enough!" said Ulquiorra standing up, his voice raised slightly. "You have completely derailed this factual narritive into the sort of story which Grimmjow might like. I'm putting a stop to this right now."

"Oh come on Ulquiorra!" whined Yammy "I had this whole plan where we face off against an army of Nazi Quincy's who are trying to take over the world!"

"No." said Ulquiorra, before glancing down to where Orihime was sitting. "You continue it from where Yammy started, and I will make corrections where necassary."

"Aw, but the Nazi Quincies sound like a really great idea!" whined Orihime "Couldn't I just have Ichigo and Yoruichi survive, give me and Tatsuki a personality and continue from-"

"No." replied Ulquiorra bluntly. "That story is at an end."

"But what if..." she trailed off as she saw Ulquiorra's look.

"Start again from the point I have chosen, or I will." the 4th Espada said bluntly.

"...Fine." said Orihime in a disappointed voice. "Okay so Ulquiorra had been just about to capture me when..."

...

_Suddenly Ichigo arrived, his Orange hair flowing in the wind as he landed and rushed at Ulquiorra, who clashed swords with him in a flurry of blows that culminated in Ulquiorra leaping back, weapon at the ready._

_ "So your the Arrancar, huh?" said Ichigo with heroic confidence, before glancing over to Orihime, who had just finished healing Tatsuki. "Orihime, are you okay."_

_ "Yeah..." she said "Yeah I'm fine. I'm not sure about Chad though."_

_ "Right," said Ichigo "You go make sure he is alright, I'll take care of this guy." He then turned his attention to Ulquiorra, who stood at the ready. "So, you got a name or what?"_

_ "I am Ulquiorra Cifer." came the reply drawing his blade back and putting one hand before him. "I take it that you are Ichigo Kurosaki then."_

_ "Yeah," said Ichigo putting his blade in front of him. "I'm him. How do you know who I am?"_

_ "I make a point of knowing the names of my targets." replied Ulquiorra "It makes writing the reports far simple." And with that he moved forward at such a speed that Ichigo barely had time to blocked his downward strike. The Arrancars foot lashed upwards a moment later, kicking Ichigo in the face, and sending him flying back, though he recovered and landed one knee._

_ Even as Ulquiorra rushed towards him, Ichigo charged blue energy around his blade and hurled it towards him._

_ "GETSUGA TENSHO!"_

_ A wave of shining blue energy shot towards Ulquiorra, but the black haired arrancar merely leapt, continuing forward until he was directly over Ichigo. A green ball of energy appeared over head, and Orihime gasped as the explosion rocked the area, creating another crater._

_ A moment later Ulquiorra landed on his feet, unharmed and turned to face the resulting cloud of dirt just in time to deflect an incoming wave of blue energy with his sword, and Ichigo emerged from the smoke cloud, his Shinigami robes charred and torn, and several minor wounds on his chest._

_ "...That attack was powerful, I'll admit." said Ichigo, smiling despite bleeding in several areas. "If I hadn't dodged it in time I would have been history. I haven't had this kind of challenge in some time."_

_ "Nor are you likely to again, if that is the full extant of your strength." stated Ulquiorra without concern._

_ Ichigo cracked his neck. "You think this is the full extant of my strenght..." he said his smirk widening as he put his cleaver in front of him. "Let me show you just what happens when I go all out."_

_ The spirit energy in the surrounding area began to swirl around Ichigo as he summoned his power, and Orihime found herself in awe of the power he was summoning._

_ "Ban-"_

_ "Cero." said Ulquiorra sending a wave of green energy straight towards Ichigo before he could finish, and smashing into him head on, sending him tumbling back, his sword falling from his grasp ten feet away from where he landed._

_ Ichigo pulled himself up and moved to grab his sword, only for Ulquiorra to appear and kick it away, before readying another Cero._

_ "You cheap ass son of a bitch!" snarled Ichigo. "I wasn't ready!"_

_ "I don't care." stated Ulquiorra bluntly. "Ce-"_

_ And then he was hit in the side by a blur of brown and purple, shoving him away a long distance, before he was able to react. A flurry off blows with his attacker ensued, before he was kicked back, his sword landing straight up in the ground as he was thrown back to land on one knee_

_ The blur came to a halt, to reveal..._

_ "Yoruichi!" said Orihime in happy surprise as she saw the purple haired ninja. "Your here!"_

_ "Sorry I'm late." said Yoruichi, glancing back with a smirk. "It took me awhile to get here, but now-"_

_ "Cero." said Ulquiorra as he stood, a beam of energy shooting forth from his fingers towards Yoruichi, who leapt high into the air above just in time. "Damn!" the Ninja said as she readied herself for an attack. "I'm losing my touch. I shouldn't have been-" She looked down to see that Ulquiorra was nowhere to be found. "Where did he go?!"_

_ "Yoruichi look out!" yelled Orihime, pointing to where Ulquiorra appeared and had begun still charging the Cero from before._

_ Yoruichi turned round just in time to see him fire it, but Orihime knew she would not be able to dodge it at that range._

_ "Senten Kesshun! I reject!" cried Orihime, just as the beam connected. The green attack was far larged than any of the others and completely obscured Yoruichi from view, heading off towards the ground, where it exploded amongst the trees._

_ It cleared to reveal the orange shield, with Yoruichi behind it unscathed. Orihime breathed a sigh of relief, and the shield shattered just as the purple haired woman disappeared from sight to appear behind Ulquiorra._

_ "Shunko!" was the only thing Yoruichi said, before she delivered an axe kick to Ulquiorra's shoulder, sending him flying down to the ground even as she persued and struck him in the face with one foot, before initiating a flurry of blows, each one smashing into his form violently._

_ Finally a powerful strike from Yoruichi sent him flying back, and the brown skinned woman chased him, throwing a huge amount of power into an attack._

_ And the Yammy leapt in front of the attack, blocking it head on with his crossed arms. The resulting shockwave knocked Yammy back, but he had braced himself against the strike and did not lose his footing. He uncrossed his arms and cracked his neck. And then Yammy opened his mouth and fired a massive red Cero which she evaded with ease._

_ "Oh come on..." said Yoruichi in a mocking voice. "Are those slow attacks really the best you've got?" She jumped over the fist which constitued Yammy's response, pulled herself onto his massive shoulder before kicking him in the head and sending him falling backwards to the ground. "Huh, I guess it was. Your a lot less dangerous than your friend was."_

_ "What do you mean was?" asked Yammy with a smirk, as he stood. "Ulquiorra's fine."_

_ "Alive I'll give you." stated Yoruichi dropping into a fighting stance. "But he's not going to be fighting with the beating I just gave-"_

_ "Ahem." came a dignified voice, and Yoruichi turned, widening her eyes in surprise as she saw a slightly bruised, but otherwise unaffected Ulquiorra. Even the bruises seemed to be disappearing, however._

_ If Orihime did not know better, she would have thought he looked rather smug._

_ "...Regeneration." she said in surprise, her eyes widening. "I knew that hollows could do it, but I've never seen one do it so quickly."_

_ "Unsurprising," said Ulquiorra, preparing his blade "Soul Reapers from my observation know little and understand even less." And then he moved forward and slashed at her. She pulled back just in time, only for two massive arms to grab her legs from behind._

_ "Gotcha bitch!" said Yammy with a psychotic smile "Finish her Ulquiorra!"_

_ "Gladly." stated the smaller Arrancar, moving forward, his blade poised to stab at her heart._

_ And then one of Yammy's arms was abruptly cut off, and Yoruichi's legs were freed. She used them to kick off the ground and plant her feet in Yammy's face, while dodging Ulquiorra's attack._

_ Yammy's grip on her arm faltered and she leapt away to stand by her rescuer. "Thanks Ichigo."_

_ Ichigo smirked. "Hey, I saw an opporunity to attack and I took it." He turned to face Ulquiorra, expecting an attack, however to his surprise the pale faced Espada was standing directly in front of Yammy._

_ "Are you alright?" asked the smaller arrancar._

_ Yammy groaned in pain, clutching his stump of an arm. "Yeah..." he said as he stood. "Let's butcher these guys."_

_ "No." said Ulquiorra, opening what appeared to be a hole in space. "This situation has grown beyond what is reasonable to continue. We have found enough information for out report, and we will deliver it."_

_ "But-" began Yammy._

_ "Every moment we delay the Soul Reapers may arrive." Ulquiorra cut him off. "Defeating these two is within out means, but it will take time we don't have. Grab your arm and leave, I will cover your retreat and follow shortly."_

_ Yammy grumbled, but stood and walked through the whole, while Ulquiorra barred any attempt to persure him._

_ "Running away are we?" asked Yoruichi "You didn't strike me as the sort."_

_ "I am not running away." stated Ulquiorra "I am pulling out after achieving all off my mission objectives. I would think a former Captain of the Stealth force would understand such an action."_

_ Yoruichi's eyes widened in surprise, before she moved forward in an attack, but even as she did he leapt through into the darkness and beyond just as the portal closed._

_ "Damn..." she cursed, just as half a dozen Soul Reapers suddenly leapt down all around them._

_ Their leader, white haired Soul Reaper clad in Captains garb moved over to Ichigo. "I am Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya of Sqaud 10. I am here to assist against the Arrancar." he paused. "Where are they?"_

_ Ichigo just stared at him incredulously. "Seriously? Were you waiting to make your entrance just moments after any hope of you being useful has passed, or are you really just that incompetant."_

_ "Don't give me lip, Substitute." said Hitsugaya in annoyance. "We had to pass all the way through the Donga Precipice world to get here, and you have no idea what kind of procedure-"_

_ "I do." volunteered Yoruichi snidely "And I gotta agree with Ichigo on this. Quite frankly you should have been sent here a week ago, just in case."_

_ "And who precisely are you?"asked Toshiro in annoyance._

_ "Shihoun Yoruichi, former Captain of the Stealth Force and-"_

...

"God this is getting boring!" said Yammy abruptly standing up "The fight is over, I'm outta here." He walked out the door, and Orihime turned back to Ulquiorra, who had apparently been writing something down on a sketchbook. He looked up to meet her gaze, and Orihime shifted nervously.

"Uh..." she began "So I noticed that you did not interrupt me at all." she said.

"I found your assessment of the battle to be quite accurate." he replied "In any case, I have work to do." He stood and moved over to the cart. "I need to set up a computer system so that I can analyze data on the attackers."

"Why? Are you responsible for monitoring castle security or something?"

"No, that would be Aureniero's primary duty." said Ulquiorra, opening one of the boxes and taking out several parts. "Mine is watching you, to ensure you don't escape."

"Oh right." said Orihime, remembering that she was in fact a prisoner in a hostile fortress. "So why do you need the computers."

"I don't trust Aureniero." was his blunt reply.

...

**Authors Note:**

Well, that's chapter three. It's funny in a way, I had originally just planned to write in a few flashbacks to show Chad holding his own against Yammy, but it just kind of spiraled.

I'll get back to the North Fortress next chapter, with any luck. For now please review, and I hope you enjoyed it.

Sincerely

-Lord22


End file.
